I didn’t start this blog for funsies, or for pointing fingers at mental illnesses (that’s sick), I started it to explore my journey as well as several others who have had depression, anxiety, panic, PTSD or any other thing that you’ve had to survive in order to get through life. Mine almost ruined me, and so many others can agree that they’ve made a dangerous thought or two while coping with these habits and thoughts developed over the years.
It’s not fun. And it’s not healthy but here we are- developing unhealthy habits to deal with unhealthy situations.
I said in a previous post that I am a big advocate for mindset and holding yourself accountable for that mindset, and I believe and stand behind it.
But to get there? That’s months and months of endless work- convincing yourself to get out of bed, to go to work, to feed yourself… that’s why there’s dogs. No, but seriously, service animals- it forces you to get out of bed and to take care of something or else, it quite literally dies.
Getting out of bed is a verb, but getting out of your head is more than that.
You continuously have an ongoing battle with yourself:
- if you’re good enough or not
- or if someone hates you
- or if you did something wrong
- or if you didn’t say anything that needed to be said
- or even if your service dog hates you.
I think about that all the time and I’m pretty sure if she had thumbs, she would leave.
I started the year out not so well… I had a break up, a lot of ongoing and unresolved mommy/abandonment issues, a need for validation and an alcohol issue. Not gonna lie, shit was rough lol. But not 5 days into the new year, I was handed a rescued husky, that was older, with an abandonment attitude (she was 6 years old and her family left…I would too, fuck) and a new friend who became my boyfriend and my biggest advocate. I fixed relationships with friends and family and restored faith in myself and what I had to offer the world.
But to get there was falling off the deep end (*nervous chuckle*) and lots of exercise and shadow work.
Everyone’s way of coming out of a pit is different and I get that- there’s no right or wrong answer to depression, there’s only what’s best for you and you know what you can and cannot handle. But also remember, you will talk yourself out of what you can and cannot handle.
Citalopram was an option I had in college and it was free so I took it for a few months to see what would happen. Uhm, I was very numb and didn’t give 2 cares in the world about what anyone thought or felt about me and I felt a little bit lifted.
The old Holly can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because she’s dead.
RIP Holly: October 2018-February 2019.
Sorry to anyone who knew me during that time lol.
So anyways, by that, I just mean that getting out of bed wasn’t that hard anymore and having conversations was effortless again.
Side effects? I was sick, a lot, the first few weeks. I didn’t eat for 2 weeks because of my anxiety. After a while, my appetite came back and my feelings of hopelessness and anxiety faded into what I call my brain cloud.
An iced coffee fixed my issues, I laughed at everyone’s jokes, worked more hours at work and it felt like I was finally fixed.
I didn’t last that long on Celexa (generic for Citalopram) because in one of my classes, I was reading about neurotransmitters and drugs and the brain and I just thought about long term effects. It was a personal decision to jump off of the one thing that made me feel like not off’ing myself, but everyone’s different.
I jumped off the pill because I realized that learning, feeling and overcoming my depression would probably be healthier in the long run than muscle memory due to prescriptions and what would happen if I decided to withdrawal after a few years.
**Side note, if you’re pregnant while taking Celexa, the babies have been known to have heart issues and breathing problems. OH and you can develop them too. It also has horrible drug-drug interactions, even when I took ibuprofen, I started getting nose bleeds and sick to my stomach.**
Some people don’t have time to process and understand their situations and thoughts, and I get that. It’s not for everyone. But understanding a chemical imbalance in the brain due to learned trauma and behavior is something that can be unlearned over time. One of my closest friends even said the other day “I really only remember the bad stuff; its hard to remember the good stuff anymore” and that hit home, because if you can’t feel the good anymore, then you’ve missed the goal of life.
Life isn’t something that should be medicated. We’re all going to have problems and speed bumps, but you don’t just stop your car going over a bump… you take it slow, with caution and care, and then keep on driving until you hit the next one. With a strong suspension in place, your car can get you over it. With a strong foundation and will, you can move forward from the situation you’ve found yourself in.
When I was younger, I faced SA.
That altered my view on love, relationships, friendships, trust, care, family life… I couldn’t even kiss my father on the cheek, or sleep in the same room as anyone. I memorized footsteps with every roommate I’ve had, I’ve also had problems setting my boundaries because of something called “freezing syndrome” (you can’t do anything even if you tried).
I had a bad mommy.
I had no boundaries or self-respect after these two events in my life.
I had no idea, I was just floating around. One of my high school teachers claimed it was because I had so many thoughts in my head and I was afraid to be alone with them, so I filled up my schedule.
2-3 jobs, full time student and burnt out on life and love.
I tried Celexa, and so did 2 other individuals: Talitha and Izzy. Both have very different stories and views on it. I guess it depends on how you want to feel: healed or healing.
References:
⁃ Medical News Today. Celexa. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/celexa#dosage.
⁃ Mayo Clinic. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/ssris/art-20044825.
⁃ My personal journal from 2018-2019.
– “Citalopram (Celexa) my experience.” YouTube. Uploaded by Izzy Garcia. 22 July 2019. https://youtu.be/pYY8dkEeOmw.
– “taking anti-depressants: experience with Citalopram 20mg.” YouTube. Uploaded by Talitha. 13 January 2019. https://youtu.be/XUWxJqrbDNg
– “What are the differences between SSRI’s (Sertraline, Escitalopram, and Citalopram.” YouTube. Uploaded by Psychofarm. 5 January 2021. https://youtu.be/BIi-dm4Oiqw
okay, perfect. 
Leave a comment